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Depression

Along with being an alcoholic I have depression and anxiety. My depression has had a grip on me lately.

I weighed myself this morning. I weighed 240 pounds. Just a week ago I was 232. I went and worked out at the gym for three hours. After I sat inside my car and cried. No matter what my weight I still feel like the girl who weighs 350 pounds. Every extra pound kills me inside. When I was a teenager I had eating issues. I’m trying to not fall back into those bad eating habits. I had a brief thought of drinking. I would lose everything I’ve worked hard to regain back in my life. It wouldn’t be worth it.

One thing about being large is no one ever looked at me. I could cover myself in baggy clothes. My personality was bigger than my weight. I made people laugh with my crazy ideas and thoughts. I found comfort in being a larger lady. Being heavy can take a toll on the body just like drinking. I started losing weigh to become more healthier. I found with my sobriety I like to hike but my weight was holding me back. So I started losing the weight. I’m heading in the wrong direction than I want with my weight so I need to refocus.

I went to a local store and bought myself a new planner and notebooks. I feel like I have to get more organized. If my thoughts are organized maybe this squirrel inside my head won’t be running around as much driving me crazy. I made a list of the things that I need to get completed over the next few days. Hopefully scratching some of the tasks off my list will reduce my anxiety. Sometimes I have so much to get done I run around not really accomplishing anything. I’m also trying doing to many things so I need to cut back and relax.

Enjoy life and my sobriety. Off to a meeting. ❤️

Forgetful Friday

Today I’m just feel blah. It’s raining and it’s cold outside. I also jammed my knee this morning getting out of bed.

I forgot my badge to work so I had to pay $5.00 to get out of the parking garage. Then I also forgot my water at home when I went to the gym. I’m labeling today forgetful Friday.

I also got two of the three W-2s today. I know a lot of people love tax time but I dread it. I claim single and no deductions and pay the most throughout the year. Still I have to pay back more every year. It would be better for me to not work as much throughout the year. I need to sit down with an accountant and figure out that sweet spot for me to be in. Until then I hate this time of year.

With jamming my knee this morning I wasn’t able to hit it as hard as I wanted to at the gym today. Which is adding to my blah feeling. I’m an alcoholic so I want to do everything to the extreme. My body is aging and setting limitations on what I can do. Nothing I can do about it except accept the facts. I have to slow down.

❤️

Little Gains

I was able to do something today I’ve never been able to do before. I completed 40.23 miles on a bike. I burned 1455 calories (per the bike). I completed this in 3.5 hours. I’m able to do this because I’m sober. I also eat better. Fast food is limited to once or twice a month. It’s also cheaper to fix dinner at home than eat out.

Before becoming sober my body was in a constant dehydrated state. I had to take a beta blocker daily to help control my heart rate. To walk short distances I would get short of breath. I remember a few times when I would try to talk to someone after walking I could feel my heart beat in my neck. I would have to paused sometimes when talking with people to catch my breath. My life was a cycle of bing drinking every night and then trying to rehydrate myself the next day.

I no longer have to take a beta blocker. I’m off all medication. I have been off that since last summer. I still take a multi vitamin daily but I do that on my own not because a doctor prescribes it to me. My face use to be constantly reddened. I still have some redness to my face but it’s no longer as defined.

Since moving to the city my new employment requires a health assessment to be completed by a doctor to receive $70 off a month of my insurance premiums. Today I’ve scheduled my appointment. It’s set for February 28th. I’m really interested to see all my labs. I’m hoping for a clean bill of health. I know the years I drank abused my body. I’m just hoping for some good news.

A good liver function panel would be a blessing. I also ready to completely face any bad news. I’ve never had my liver checked. My cardiologist that put me on the beta blocker only check a CBC (complete blood count) and a TSH (thyroid check). I’ve not had a complete physical in many years. We shall see. I’m just grateful for the accomplishment of the day.

❤️

Sponsor

Since I’ve moved to the city my sponsor is over an hour away. This has made it really difficult to meet up. I’m trying to get back to home group as much as possible. That is working out to be 1-2 times a month.

I’m working on making my amends. My sponsor wants to meet up and talk about what I have been accomplishing in the program. My schedule is so tight for the next two weeks. It won’t be for 3 weeks until we can meet up. My hearing is a little impaired so I prefer to meet in person. Sometimes words are difficult for me to understand on the phone.

I have been attending meeting locally. I’m considering switching my home group and sponsor here local. I need to pray and medicate on the change.

I’m having a hard time with this decision. Normally I make decisions relatively easy.

❤️

Vacation

I’ve been saving all the money I normally would have spent on drinking. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it but over a year of not drinking has added up.

So spending the money on vacations it is! The last few days was the first of few that I’m planning on taking this year. This was a mini vacation. I choose to go to Nashville. We had a few stops along the way. It was so much fun to relax and laugh.

My sister lives close to Nashville. I was able to spend sometime with her and look through old photographs of our grandmother. We were able to go out and eat. My niece and nephew are so full of life. It was funny when they found a fish that looked like Dory. They were so excited and it was refreshing to see such innocence laughing without a care in the world.

I’m back home and happy to be back in the gym. I ate really poorly over the last few days. I have decided that I’m going to train to run a 5k. It’s something I’ve never done. I use to be overweight and a smoker. It was something that I wouldn’t have been able to achieve before. Even if I have to walk it I’m going to do it. I do work every weekend and that’s when most of the run are held. I’ve found one that is in June. So training has begun.

❤️

Slow Day

Yesterday we had snow flurries. It was cold outside so I stayed inside. It picked up a little. Did a little laundry. Basic house cleaning things. Clean out the kitty litter box. Then I got bored.

So I fought the cold and went to the gym. I worked out my typical two hours. I was feeling good. Then I slipped down the basement steps while going down to get the laundry.

I’ve been battling some static pain in my right hip off and on since I’ve started exercising again. I was in a car accident many years ago which dislocated my hip. Since then I’ve battled this pain but not as often as recently.

I can go to the doctor. Which they will give me pain medication which will make me want to drink. I’ve had this pain on and off for years and they always place me on steroids and pain medication. My other option is to rest it a few days and hopefully it will get better.

So rest is my option for right now. On the positive side my home is clean. I’ve got a trip coming up to Nashville and I want to be able to enjoy myself. One of the places we are planning on going is the mall and it’s suppose to be pretty large. I’m going to need a healthy hip to be able to walk around it. So rest and heat it is.

❤️

Stamina

I have been working out at the gym. Slowly building up my stamina. I’ve gained 40 pounds and I’ve got a trip out to California in a few months. I want to hike there and enjoy myself. So gym life it is.

I stared off with 30 minutes on the treadmill. Everyday I have been pushing myself to work harder and longer. I’m up to one hour on the treadmill (briskly walking) and one hour on the bike. I know two hours at the gym sounds like a lot but I’m only doing it four days a week. I work three twelve hour shifts a week and working out on those days is impossible.

Today I decided I would take a hike to see how my stamina would hold up. Normally I hike easy trails. Today I would do a moderate one. Grey’s Arch is a 3.4 mile loop trail.

I completed it. I’m so proud of myself. Even a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to do this. Before sobriety my body would have been in a dehydrated state that hiking that much wouldn’t have been possible. I would have been tachycardia and short of breath. Today I not only completed it but I did so within 1 hour.

That is the joy of sobriety.

❤️

Stigma

Today at a meeting a person told me she was in a profession that frowned upon saying she was an alcoholic. I also work in a profession where being an alcoholic is a stigma.

Why the stigma? Why can’t we say “Hey I once was a drunk but now I’m recovering?” Why does this have to be a bad thing? It the same with abuse or trauma. It’s the dirty little secret no one wants to talk about. Just because we keep it hushed it still exists.

In my life I have experienced abuse, trauma and addiction. Can anyone say they don’t know someone who has? We all have that family member or have experienced this ourself.

I’ve met doctors and lawyers who have been touched by this disease. This disease has no discrimination. It touches the rich and the poor. No matter how educated you are it can touch you. I hate the disease but love the solution. That is recovery.

❤️

Love

I was asked to make a list of the things that I love. I was given a week to make my list. My list at first started off with my child, my family and my pets. Those were the easy things to list that I love. I love my friends who have supported me and continue to stay in contact with me through my journey of sobriety.

Then I sat down and thought about the all the other things I love. My house because it given me shelter. A job because it allows me to pay my bills. Food so that don’t go hungry. My car that allows me to get to work. All the basic needs that I need from day to day.

As the days went on my list grew. I thought of my health. What were the things that I love that helped me stay healthy. I love that I have a gym close by to work out. I love that I’m losing weight and getting healthier. I love the advancement in medication that helps keep my blood pressure in check and my cholesterol low.

My list grew and grew of all the things I love. I love I have shoes. I love I woke up today. I love I get to be grateful. I love I found a higher power. I love I get to travel. I love I found sobriety.

I sat down with my list. I handed it to my sponsor and she read it. She looked at me and said “you forgot one important item.” I wanted to say are you crazy. I worked on this list for a week. I carried it with me and thought of it daily. I reflected every night before I went to bed. What could I have possibly missed?

“When are you going to love yourself?” I didn’t write down that I loved myself. I had spent almost 4 decades hating myself. Always trying hard to please everyone. I had hated myself for becoming an alcoholic and wrecking so many lives. Did I truly love myself?

So now I have to make a list of the things that I love about myself. This is way harder than finding the things I love. We shall see how this goes.

❤️

Listening

“God provides the wind, but man must raise the sails.” Augustine of Hippo

When we pray for things god provides for us. It may not always come in the form we may think.

An example is we may pray for cake. We may desire it and our mouth waters with the thought of it hitting our mouths. We must work for it. Why would god just hand us a cake when we have everything to make it in our kitchen. We have the flour, eggs and basic ingredients. We have to work for the cake.

I heard a story in a meeting. A man was stuck in his house and a flood was coming. Police came and warned him to leave but he refused saying god would save him. As the water rose a rescue boat came. The man said god would save him and refused the boat. As the water rose the man climbed on the roof. A helicopter came by and the man refused helped saying god would safe him. The man drowned and upon seeing god he asked “why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “I sent the police, a boat and a helicopter.”

When I moved to the city I was cleaning out my barn. I had two old bikes that were broke. Together they would make a functioning bike. I really didn’t want to take the time to fix them. I had saw a man walking back and forth to meeting so I asked him he would like the old bikes. He thanked me and took them. He told me he recently got a new job but was concerned about the walk due to the distance. He said he had been praying for a way to get a car to get to work. A few meeting later he rode his new bike to the meeting and thanked god for providing him a way to work. He worked for it.

We pray but we also have to meditate. I’ve learned that praying is us talking but meditating is us listening. Sometimes it’s much harder for us to listen. ❤️