One Day at a Time

Today I had a great meeting.  It was a women’s meeting.  I chaired the meeting.  It the the first time I had ever done it.  Normally I am nervous about doing new things.  For some reason I was not nervous.  I guess I’ve been  to enough meetings.  I can say the serenity prayer without reading it now. In the beginning I stumbled with the words.

They say when things are going good your on a pink cloud.  Full of happiness.  That’s how I feel about things right now.  Its almost like the calm right before the storm.  Is the devil going to test me soon?  I want to keep positive but when things seem to go good for while something happens.  My mind wants to sabotage my current happiness.

All I can do is keep praying that I do gods will.  He will keep me above water and not drown.  In AA we take things one day at a time.  I found a quote by Abraham Lincoln, “The best thing about the future is that it come only one day at a time.”  I thank god that I only have to stay sober one day at a time.  If I had to think about doing this for years and years I would be drunk.  I don’t have to solve tomorrow problems.  I can start each day with a new contract with god to stay sober. 

When I became sober they said to do 90 meetings in 90 days.  Even though I have some time under my belt I feel like I need to do a new round of 90.  I can relapse mentally without meetings to help keep my mind straight.  My alcoholism is in the background doing pushups getting ready for me to relapse.  I have to stay spiritually strong so when I’m testing I don’t fall. 

I don’t want to live in this world half alive and empty inside.  That’s how I was living when I was drinking.  It took me so long to become sober and put all the puzzle pieces of my life together.  My soul was ice cold.  I’ve got the best days of my life ahead.  I can reflect on the last year at all the awesome things that sobriety has brought in my life.

Kisses and hugs until my next thoughts.

New Year, New Me

Things are becoming a little more normal around the house without our beloved pet. It’s been a month now since I’ve moved to the city. I’m learning to get around more. I’m not getting lost as often. Also I’m using the gps less to get to the places I need to go.

I use to drive almost 2 hours one way to work. After driving and working 12 hours I didn’t have any time to do much. Now I’m blessed that my job is approximately 4 miles away. I now have time to do more times like work on myself.

A few of the things that I have been working on is my weight. I’ve been going to the gym and also have been attending a few jui jitsu classes. I’m slowly seeing some progress and it’s amazing. My work scrubs are fitting better and I have more energy to do things.

Another thing I have been working on is calligraphy. It’s calming to my soul and peaceful. I’ve noticed that my normal handwriting is improving also.

I’m trying to attend more meeting here in the city. If you have read any of my other posts you would know I miss my home group meeting but I’m trying my best here. It’s harder to make new friends in the city versus the country.

Living in the country it was just my son and I. It was easier to keep the house clean because we both cleaned up after ourselves. Now I’m living with my boyfriend and he is sort of a pig. He blames it on being a bachelor for a few years. It drives me crazy. So I’m having to spend time cleaning more. This is not something I like to do but I’m calm within my when things are organized and clean. Disorganization causes me anxiety.

I’m also trying to start my days off with a more positive thinking. After I finish my morning mediation I search for positive quotes to keep me motivated throughout the day. I probably should buy a motivational calendar. I’m open to suggestions if anyone has a favorite one.

So working on a new me for this new year. While I’m doing a lot on other things my main focus is still the same. To remain sober and take things one day at a time.

Good Bye Sweet Pea

Today I’ve cried until my body can’t cry anymore. The last few weeks have been hard. Our sweet dog went suddenly blind in one eye. She continue to decline from there.

We took her to one vet and they said sometimes dogs go blind. Her pupil was reacting to light in the other eye. So we took her home and baby proofed the house. She was leaning to one side and running into walls and tables. We made sure she was safe from all cords. We were concerned about her going completely blind because she was already deaf.

Then she started having accidents. We had her for 15 years so this was strange behavior for her. We were afraid she was becoming a diabetic because she was also drinking a lot of water also. So we rushed her to the vet (a different one because the other one wasn’t opened). They drew her blood and we waited for the results. She was not diabetic. They thought it might be related to her blindness and being dizzy. They did offer us some hope. We started her on a antibiotic doxycycline, steroids and Pepcid. They were thinking she had an inflammatory response and maybe the meds would help.

She did not. She continue to decline. The last three nights we held onto hope that the medication would start to kick in. Waking all hours and being with her like a new born baby.

I went to work at 7am. I just started my new job and I couldn’t call in to stay with her. At noon I got the call that she was no longer standing on her own and panting. She was almost lethargic. It was time to do the right thing and let her go. My boyfriend, his dad and my son took her to the vet. She was laid to rest.

Coming home to not having her feels so empty. It’s quiet. Sadness fills the house. Even the cat is looking for her. She was part of the family.

Exercise

Yesterday I had my first jui-jutsu class. Pretty sure I used some muscles I’ve not used in a long time. It was fun and different than my usual workout at the gym. They gave me free classes for the next 10 days so I’m going to try to attend a few more before I have to make a commitment.

I work out regularly at the gym. I’ve been doing this for a couple months. Becoming sober I’ve gained so much weight. I’ve heard a lot of people lose weight. I was not so lucky. I’ve been down in the dumps about how little weight I’ve lost.

I’m in limbo trying to figure out if I need to work out more or change my diet around. I’m an alcoholic so something simple I overdo.

Excising done help me focus more. It makes me feel better overall. It also helps me not think about drinking. After so many years of pouring poison into my body I have to take care of it. I want results but taking like my sobriety, “one day at a time”.

Busy….

I have officially survived the holidays sober. I have a lot of gratitude for making it this long.

I try to keep my mind and my body busy. I’ve recent joined a gym and have been trying to exercise a few times a week. Since becoming sober I’ve gained 40+ pounds. In three weeks I’ve managed to lose 5 pounds.

Tomorrow night I’m attending a free class for Jujutsu. Since moving to the city I haven’t felt safe. My mother has offered to get me some spray to use if I feel threaten but I also would like to learn how to defend myself. We shall see.

To keep my mind busy I have been trying to learn how to do calligraphy. It’s not going so well but I keep trying. I also watch a lot of TV series.

Anything to do except drink.

Gratitude

I started off the day in a pity day feeling. I was tried. I was exhausted. My feet hurt. I was hungry. I didn’t want to go to work. I had bills on my mind.

The problem was I was focused on my needs. They best thing about this life we live is we can restart our day at anytime. We can recharge our mind to focus on more productive things.

So at lunch time I placed a smile on face and put the people I was taking care of first. I was able to change the outcome of my day to a more positive one. The people I was taking care of smiled back. They were feeling better.

My conclusion is I need to have more gratitude. 🙂

Meetings…..

Things have been busy for the last few weeks. Also crazy. Back in November I was attending every meeting at 12 and 7 on Wednesday-Friday. Sometimes I was able to squeeze in a meeting on a Tuesday.

After a few years of dating, my boyfriend and I decided to move in. So the first week of December I moved. Also with careful planning. The second week I started my new job. I went from being able to attend on average 6 meetings a week to only getting to 1-2 a week.

I was blessed I was able to get to my original home group on Thursday and then also the pot luck on Friday. I wasn’t able to attend any in the new town I’m living in.

My boyfriend has been nagging on me to attend more meetings here locally. I want to but even the ones I’ve attended are not like my home group. I believe he is afraid I’m on my way to a relapse. My sobriety is still number one in my life. Without it I wouldn’t have a life.

I’m going to have to figure out a way to get more meeting in here locally. One that I love just like my home group. Trying to find that happy balance again.

The Evil Inside Me

I don’t want to drink. Sometimes I wish I could drink like normal people but I have tried and failed. I’m an alcoholic and that’s what some of us do. We try to be normal drinkers but we are not.

I’m really glad that the Christmas holiday is past me but now I have to face New Year’s Eve. For many people it’s a time of celebration along with champagne and wine glasses. I can’t really remember any New Year’s Eve from the last two decades. Even last New Year’s Eve I was going through withdrawals and wasn’t able to celebrate.

I’m assuming that I will do what I do every night now. I reflect on the day making sure I kept my side of the sidewalk clean. I pray and I meditate to relax and prepare myself for sleep. That’s also assuming.

You see everyday alcohol enters my mind several times a day. Some have told me that the desire to drink was taken away from them. I pray for this phenomenal event to happen to me. Until it does I have to battle my disease and allergy daily. For me this means going to meeting and doing what’s suggested.

The fire inside me says drink, drink! My mind tells me to extinguish the fire before it’s a blaze and I’m on a track of ruining my life again. It’s good vs evil inside of me. God chose this life for me and I still on this earth to do some good.

Home

Since moving I’ve been attending meeting locally. Today I got to go “home”. The meeting where I became sober. My home meeting is small. The town I’m in now there are meeting all over the town. Some places have more than one meeting in the day.

Meeting are like my medicine for my alcoholism. If I was a diabetic I would have to take medicine to survive. Without my meeting I’m not treating my alcoholism.

When I go to a meeting I try to get something out of it. A word or a phrase I can write down into my notebook so when I’m weak I can review and become stronger.

A few weeks ago I told my sponsor about missing my home meetings. She told me this was normal. She told me even though a lot of the people have changed she still enjoys visiting the group where she became sober.

I’m thankful to be able to go home today. Some say you will go to any length for sobriety. For me this also means going home.

Christmas Day

I was able to sleep in on this holiday. I awoke around 10:00. My son is 19 this holiday. I was able to take him home yesterday to visit with his grandparents from his fathers side of the family.

My mom wanted me to stay the night with her yesterday. I almost stayed the night with her. Then my brother pulled out some whiskey from the freezer. I knew my son was celebrating with his dads parents and would enjoy staying the night with them. I could have stayed and drank with my family but I had a little surprise for my son and I didn’t want to ruin that.

Life is hard for my son. He has anthropophobia. Which is fear of people. He won’t go into stores or talk to anyone except his grandparents and me. He won’t see a therapist regularly. He isolates himself and it’s hard to see him struggle.

I was able to get him a $25 card for Christmas so he could purchase some new music. I gave it to him in the car on the way home yesterday. He loves music. Particularly music with no words. You would have though I given him the world.

I’m blessed I’m sober to remember this Christmas. I’m going to keep going and next year I’ll put up a tree. I walked down into the basement to see if my son was up. He was scrolling through and listening to music. He was happy. That is my gift this Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone.