Grief

I had to take some time for myself over the last month.

My dad passed away suddenly on April 3rd. It wasn’t expected. He had high cholesterol and had a previous stent in his heart. He still mowed his own lawn. He still walked miles and miles to hunt. He was only 62.

The day he passed he was washing buses at his job. He drove elderly people to their appointments and to grocery stores. He suddenly collapsed. He was in ventricular fibrillation when EMS showed up on the scene. They worked on him for 43 minutes. They lost a heart rhythm 10 minutes after arriving. I know they tried the best they could to revive him. That give me a lot of peace.

With the covid-19 we were not able to have a normal funeral. Only 10 people were able to come. We had to stay 6 feet away from everyone. I wasn’t even able to hug my mother and comfort her in her time of need.

The Red Cross was able to get my brother home from Japan. My other siblings all love close or a state away. My brother went back to Japan on May 6th. My sister who was home from Tennessee went home on Sunday which was Mother’s Day. I’ve been checking on my mother regularly. Yesterday was really hard on her. It was the first tine she came home to an empty house. I wanted to go be with her but she has been drinking wine nightly and taking unisom to sleep.

The day we buried my father I drove to the tobacco shed and bought two packs of cigarettes. Then I drove to the liquor store and bought a fifth of bourbon. My grief was so intense I wanted to drink it away.

I didn’t. I called my sponsor. I would have to face my feelings eventually and drinking was not the answer. I was close to drinking. Instead I’ve poured my self into online meetings, working and hiking. Being outdoor has helped. My normal trails are shut down due to covid but I was able to find a few that were not.

I’m patiently waiting for more trails to open and also the state line to open up so I can travel. I have bought laminated maps of all the surrounding states and have been mapping out little mini trips. It keeps me busy and will also be healthy for my body.

I’m will go to any length to stay sober even during emotional times. I’m very thankful for the program and having so many people I can call friends now. They have really helped me get through this.

❤️🌞