I don’t regret my past. My past has made it hard to love myself.
I was raised in a broken home. My mother has been married three times. She dated several people throughout my childhood. People were always coming in and out of my life.
My father wasn’t in my life until I was around 12. He was in the navy so I only got to spend a week or two in the summer with him. He was always a phone call away but never really there. When I got married young I cut him off for 10 years because he didn’t approve of my marriage. That caused a lot of tension in my marriage.
I was abused and molested at the start of a young age. The abuse was from my step grandfather. When I was a senior in high school it came out to the pubic that he sexually abused several girls. I had to continue to live in the county while the other girls who were molested didn’t have to live there. I felt branded. It was like I wore a Scarlett letter. My grandfather was a pillar of the community. A great guy to everyone. He was dependable and trustworthy. That what everyone was saying to me. It was published in the two local papers. Front page it was displayed.
Everywhere I went people would ask me if it was true. Did my grandfather really do all the things that he was accused of. I felt like I was dying inside. I felt like people looked at me different. It was like they looked down on me.
My grandfather was arrested. He fell ill while awaiting his trial. My grandmother stood by his side. That was another betrayal. My grandfather passed away while waiting for his trial. I never got to confront him and say what he took away from me. I went to his funeral to make sure he was really dead. I felt like you couldn’t kill the devil and he was the devil in human form.
I find relationships hard. I find loving myself and my body hard.
Drinking helped me suppress all the feeling of my past. Being sober I now have to confront these feelings. The stress and anxiety of trying to love myself. The shame and guilt I feel inside sometimes is unbearable. I don’t feel like a victim but I don’t feel like a survivor either.
I can go hiking and get dirty. Then I can take a shower and make myself clean. The trauma of my past makes it feel like I can’t clean my inside. Living in a new city full of strangers doesn’t change my insides. It just changed the outside.
I want to feel whole inside instead of damaged. Maybe I’m just supposed to be beautifully damaged.