Depression

Along with being an alcoholic I have depression and anxiety. My depression has had a grip on me lately.

I weighed myself this morning. I weighed 240 pounds. Just a week ago I was 232. I went and worked out at the gym for three hours. After I sat inside my car and cried. No matter what my weight I still feel like the girl who weighs 350 pounds. Every extra pound kills me inside. When I was a teenager I had eating issues. I’m trying to not fall back into those bad eating habits. I had a brief thought of drinking. I would lose everything I’ve worked hard to regain back in my life. It wouldn’t be worth it.

One thing about being large is no one ever looked at me. I could cover myself in baggy clothes. My personality was bigger than my weight. I made people laugh with my crazy ideas and thoughts. I found comfort in being a larger lady. Being heavy can take a toll on the body just like drinking. I started losing weigh to become more healthier. I found with my sobriety I like to hike but my weight was holding me back. So I started losing the weight. I’m heading in the wrong direction than I want with my weight so I need to refocus.

I went to a local store and bought myself a new planner and notebooks. I feel like I have to get more organized. If my thoughts are organized maybe this squirrel inside my head won’t be running around as much driving me crazy. I made a list of the things that I need to get completed over the next few days. Hopefully scratching some of the tasks off my list will reduce my anxiety. Sometimes I have so much to get done I run around not really accomplishing anything. I’m also trying doing to many things so I need to cut back and relax.

Enjoy life and my sobriety. Off to a meeting. ❤️