I grew up in a very small town. What I call the hills. When I was a small child I met my first love. We married in 1999 and had one child in 2000. Marrying young causes a lot of problems but we grew up together. The years turned into decades. I will refer to him as my love.
I started drinking in 2004. I didn’t starting drinking everyday right away. It was a slow progression. Within the program of AA I was told we would learn to not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. This is somewhat true. I gained my son through my marriage but I also burned it to the ground. I work trying to not regret that.
My love tried to curb my drinking in the beginning. Overtime he quit saying anything about it. He finally had enough and left. After he left my drinking became out of control. He moved on. I felt stuck spinning my wheels.
I moved away. The pain of everything we had built was to hard to look at. All the dreams we had as young adults were gone. I moved again and then once more.
Then I became sober. I hit my final low. Things did get better for me. It’s wasn’t always pink clouds. I was able to apologize to my love. Sometimes when we become sober we can repair past relationships. Sometimes we can’t and we have to live our lives the best we can.
There are days I miss my love dearly. A song on the radio or the day of the year. Our lives are separate now. I have to live with the pain and destruction I caused. It is easier being 3 hours away by car. My work and meetings keep my mind busy.
I’m working hard for my sobriety today. I only have to make it though today. I want a peaceful day.