When I first became sober drinking was always on my mind. It was like a squirrel was in my head running around stomping on my brain. It was suggested to me that when I thought about drinking to say the serenity prayer. I felt like I was repeating the prayer every minute of the day.
At work in my mind I would remind myself that I needed to stop to pick up my favorite fifth of liquor. Then it was like a trigger going off that I couldn’t. “No I’m not drinking,” I kept telling myself. On the way home from work my mouth would water if I saw a liquor store or a bar. At home if I saw a commercial advertising alcohol or watched a show with people enjoying a drink then I wanted one also. I had to keep telling my self I no longer could drink.
Drinking became my every thought and obsession. I would count the day as it went along minute by minute. At the end of the day I would thank god I was able to make it through the day. Then i would pray for sleep.
I suffered with insomnia and without the drinking to force myself to pass out my insomnia was exacerbated. In the past when I was absolutely unable to drink (usually business trips) I would abuse sleeping pills. Now I was trying to go cold turkey from both. I would cry and beg for sleep. Please lord reward me for going all day without drinking with a good nights sleep. I couldn’t think straight and what thoughts I did have were about drinking.
In those cry’s to god I asked why was I being punished. I thought I had went through enough in my life I shouldn’t have to suffer anymore. I wondered why I couldn’t ever come by things easy. I pondered why did I lose my husband. so many questions of “why”.
I was ashamed to ask anyone for help and to embarrassed to talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I just knew I needed to keep attending meetings. They kept telling me “keep coming back it works if you work it” and “don’t quit until the miracle happens”.
The miracle I wanted was sleep. Always sleep.